With the divorce rate as high as 60%, according to some statistics, it seems as though our whole country needs a lesson on how to stay happily married. Not just married, but happily married. Believe it or not, it can be done! Being married does not mean that you give up your rights as an individual, nor should it mean that you disregard the niceties and pleasantries that attracted your mate to you in the first place.
When I was young, little girls dreamed of meeting their knight in shining armor who would whisk them away from their dreary life, ensconce them in a little bungalow with a white picket fence and two cats in the yard. Ok so that's part of a song title but still that's what little girls of days of yore envisioned.
Things have changed!! Boy have they changed. Our white knights today are also looking for someone who will help take care of them. Something unheard of when I was a child. Men were manly men and they didn't need anyone to take care of them.
Men can still be manly men but today's sensitive women realize that men have the same needs that we women do. Men need to feel loved, wanted, respected, needed, and above all, desired. Too often, we let our own selfish needs supersede that of our mate's. That is not to say that women should subjugate their wants and desires for themselves to men, nor vice versa.
What we need to do is recognize each other's needs and always aim for fair play. What is the refrain from childhood that you probably still hear in your mind today? It's "That's not fair!!" All any child wants is to be treated fairly. We tend to forget this after we marry, and become complacent in our life, with our mate.
When children are added to the mix, the complacency toward the marriage and spouse can degenerate to the point where married couples sometimes are no more than roommates to each other. What began as the embodiment of the Cinderella fairy tale begins to take on all the manifestations of a Grimm's Fairy Tale.
What happened? Where did the magic go? When your spouse walks into the room, where is the fluttering in your heart that once made you feel so alive, so happy to see him or her? Realistically, we know that this intense feeling of puppy love and unbridled passion can't last forever. If it did, we'd never get on with the rest of our lives. For heaven's sake, we'd never go to work or do any housework. We wouldn't know any other rooms in the house existed other than the bedroom.
So how do we at least keep the embers burning with occasional sparks of pure passion? I am not a marriage counselor or professional expert by any stretch of the imagination. But what I do have is 40 years experience of being a happily married woman...most of the time. This isn't a fairy tale so let's be honest here. Life has its ups and downs and married life seems to have more of them than single life.
Here are some Dos and Donts then on how to improve your odds of being in the 40% of marriages. We'll start with the Donts.
· I would say the most important criterion for a happy marriage is not to get married too young! Sow those wild oats and sow them with abandon. Enjoy your singlehood. Reach out and experience all of life's flavors. Travel, go to school, meet a lot of new and exciting people. With luck and some hard work, you'll be married for many, many years and you don't want to look back on what you should have done, could have done. Just because all your friends are getting married and popping out babies 1,2,3, doesn't mean you should.
· Don't have unrealistic expectations of what married life should be. Remember you and your spouse are the same people as you were before you were married. If you were happy...or miserable then, marriage won't change this.
· Never take your spouse for granted. This is probably one of the biggest marriage killers, next to adultery and money problems. Just because you're married doesn't mean the Valentine's Day gifts should stop or the phone calls during the day just to chat, and on and on and on ad infinitum.
· Never argue over money. This is a very hard one to adhere to but try you must if you want to maintain a happy married life. Make sure you're both on the same page when it comes to finances before you get married. If one of you is a spender, and the other a saver, you'd better have some sort of game plan before you walk down that aisle otherwise you're walking right into marital, if not, financial doom.
· This one is primarily for women - try not to put the children ahead of your husband...or at least try to work out some rational "fair' balance. (Remember "that's not fair"?) When women become moms, something incredible happens to us. Something that other non-moms cannot understand. Our child (children) is now the most important things in our life. We are mama bears looking out for our cubs and damned anyone who tries to interfere with this bond. But before we were moms, we were mates and we must never forget that.
Some important Dos
· So do make time for your mate. Every married couple should have a Date Night. It doesn't have to be a Saturday night. It can be a Sunday morning brunch, just the two of you, or a night out at the movies or dinner at some out of the way place where you won't run into friends and spend the whole night talking to other people. Make this a time for just you and your spouse.
· Always make time for passion. A common complaint from spouses (although this is primarily a man's complaint) is that their partner is too tired for sex. If one partner is too tired, then the other partner should do whatever it takes to help alleviate this condition, perhaps helping out with the dishes or helping to vacuum, and make beds. Whatever it takes to resolve the problem. Just like the people who say they never have time to exercise, there are those who say they don't have time, or are too tired for, sex. You can always find time. Lack of time or lack of energy is really just an excuse.
· Compliment each other. It isn't just women who need compliments. Men need them too. If your spouse looks particularly appealing don't just think it and keep it to yourself. Let them know right then and there that you're admiring them, that you appreciate them. If you think your spouse is a great parent, let them know. None of us are mindreaders.
· Take time to laugh with each other. Laughing is definitely good for our mental and physical health.
· Some people advocate never going to bed angry. Sounds good but truth be told an awful lot of us would be up all night then! Sometimes it's good to let things cool down and literally sleep on them. Cooler heads may prevail in the morning. Fight fair (here's that "fair" word again). Leave the past in the past and keep your fights limited to the issue at hand.
Remembering why you fell in love with your spouse, and realizing that marriage is not always a 50/50 proposition (sometimes it's 70/30 or 90/10), treating your spouse with the same consideration and respect that you would a friend or co-worker, will go a long way in helping to insure a long, and yes, a happy marriage.
There is an old 30s or 40s song sung by Ella Fitzgerald which says "into each life some rain must fall" and when it rains in your life, which it inevitably will, you'll be glad to have the comfort and love of someone who has stood by your side throughout the years. Someone you didn't throw away because of a temporary idea that single life is better or that marriage was boring or hard work. You may not be sitting on your front porch in your rocking chair. Heck, you may be out dancing and boogying with the best of them. And the longer you're married, the more you will appreciate the person with whom you chose to spend the rest of your life.
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